


Carry Your Light

by WistfulGhostWriter



Series: Cabenson Chronicles: Nothing But The Fluff [7]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29296686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WistfulGhostWriter/pseuds/WistfulGhostWriter
Summary: Every case SVU worked had its emotional challenges. Every case was heavy, laden with the cruelty of what human beings were capable of doing to one another. But no cases were ever as heavy as the ones that involved children. No cases were ever as harrowing as the ones where a child was hurt.No cases were ever as heartbreaking as the ones where a mother lost her baby.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Series: Cabenson Chronicles: Nothing But The Fluff [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2107371
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	Carry Your Light

**Author's Note:**

> Ok everyone, this one is a little out of the norm for me, as it is a touch more angsty than I am used to writing. But rest assured that there is still fluff! Just takes a little longer to get there. 
> 
> Because of the aforementioned angst, just a couple of warnings, for those who may not be in the right headspace, this one deals with the death of child and it hits Olivia hard. But I promise I make it better!
> 
> As always, please enjoy! xo
> 
> P.S. The title was inspired by the song “Carry Your Light” by Nick Wilson. It’s a really sweet song and I think it speaks well to Alex’s and Olivia’s relationship.
> 
> Previously posted on Tumblr.

Olivia closed the door to their apartment wearily, her shoulders heavy, her head throbbing, her eyes swollen and stinging from the tears she had already shed at the hospital. 

Every case SVU worked had its emotional challenges. Every case was heavy, laden with the cruelty of what human beings were capable of doing to one another. But no cases were ever as heavy as the ones that involved children. No cases were ever as harrowing as the ones where a child was hurt.

No cases were ever as heartbreaking as the ones where a mother lost her baby. 

A baby girl with silky brown hair, bright blue eyes, and dimples that framed what once was a happy smile. A baby girl with her entire life ahead of her, who knew no evil. A baby girl who had been kidnapped and left to die all for vengeance. 

The anger raged hot in Olivia's chest and stomach as the tears once again began to trek down her cheeks. She wiped at them as she went, tugging off her jacket and hanging it by the door before slipping out of her shoes and reaching down to place them neatly by the other two pairs on the low shelf in the entryway. 

A pair of black pumps and a smaller pair of white and red Converse. 

Olivia stopped, running her fingers over the tiny shoes, her heart breaking for the mother who had lost her child today as it yearned to see and hold her own. 

As she made her way through the dimly lit apartment, she thanked the stars that Alex had needed to take Ellie to a doctors appointment today, that her wife wouldn't be prosecuting this case, that the images of that tiny body under the blue sheet in the morgue wouldn't plague Alex as they were already plaguing Olivia.

Entering their bedroom, she leaned against the doorway, allowing herself to bask in the warmth of the scene before her, allowing the love and comfort she felt at the sight of her wife and daughter soothe the venomous sting of pain and guilt that weighed heavy on her heart. 

She had expected Ellie to be asleep, but there she was, cuddled into Alex's side, “reading” her favorite book as Alex smiled fondly at their daughters babbling. 

“...an den da mouse made a mess Mommy. You woulda been really mad. But is okay cos cookies are yummy.”

“He made a mess because the cookies were too yummy?”

“Yup! He was so ‘cited!” 

Olivia couldn't help but chuckle, drawing attention to herself, two sets of beautiful blue eyes immediately landing on her, one pair filling with glee, the other filling with concern.

“Mama! You home!” Ellie squealed, scrambling from under the covers and crawling to the edge of the bed. “You got da bad guys, Mama?” the two-year-old asked as she stood on the edge of the bed. 

Olivia walked over and pulled her daughter into her arms, squeezing and pressing kisses to her hair and cheeks as she spun her around, reeling in the warmth of Ellie's giggles, allowing her baby's glee to wash away the anguish of the day. 

She placed Ellie back on the bed, kneeling in front of her. “Yeah baby, we got the bad guys.” 

“Den why you sad Mama?” Ellie asked, tilting her head curiously, making her soft curls bounce around her chubby cheeks. 

Olivia sighed, realizing that some rebel tears had escaped as she greeted Ellie. She met Alex’s eyes over Ellie's shoulder, seeing that her wife was asking the same silent question, concern still swirling in her gaze. 

A small, warm hand touching her damp cheek brought her back to another pair of baby blues. Ellie's expression was soft, still curious. “Is okay Mama,” she said softly, wiping at Olivia's tears, mimicking how they had often comforted her and making Olivia's heart melt. 

“Is gonna be okay Mama, p’omise,” Ellie said, now taking Olivia's face in her tiny hands and pressing a kiss to Olivia's forehead. “You gonna be okay. I love you lots Mama, an Mommy does too.” 

Olivia let out a shaky chuckle, pulling Ellie into her arms and squeezing again. “Thank you, baby, I love you too. So, so much.” She hummed softly when she felt the little arms around her neck tighten and another wet kiss being pressed to her cheek. 

“Ellie, would you like to play on the iPad while Mama and I talk for a minute?” Alex offered, finally breaking her silence. Olivia knew that offer meant that Alex wanted to talk to her without having to worry about little ears listening in. 

“Yes, p’ease!” Ellie exclaimed happily, kissing Olivia again before crawling up their bed and happily accepting the iPad Alex offered her.

“No climbing off of the bed Ellie Rose,” Alex admonished gently as she turned on the headphones, waiting for her daughter to nod in agreement before placing them on her head and over her ears. 

Leaving their daughter completely engrossed in her game, Olivia followed Alex into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar in case their daughter called for them. She then turned, sighing when she saw her wife perched on the edge of their tub, gazing at her, searchingly, patiently. 

“It was a baby Alex,” Olivia said simply. No preamble, she knew she didn’t need one. Alex had seen bad cases just as she had and she watched the understanding blossom on Alex’s face, followed by the pain, and then sympathy. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex asked softly, no expectations, just an invitation for Olivia to open up if she needed to, an invitation Olivia appreciated but didn’t want to take, not yet. She shook her head, rubbing her face with her hands. “I just want to wash off this day and hold my girls,” she said, swallowing past the lump in her throat. 

“We can do that,” Alex answered, standing and walking over to Olivia. When her wife’s arms wrapped around her, Olivia immediately slumped into them, tucking her face into Alex’s neck as she wound her arms around her wife’s waist and squeezed. And then an image of the baby’s mother flashed in her mind and Olivia broke. 

She cried for the baby who had only just begun to live, she cried for the mother who would never get to hold her little girl again. She cried because she wished she had found the bastard who was responsible sooner, had broken him faster, had gotten to the baby a little quicker. She cried until Alex’s skin and shirt were damp, until her mouth was dry and her head throbbed. 

And all the while Alex simply held her, running her hands up and down her back, pressing kisses to her hairline, not saying a word. And when Olivia finally calmed down she pressed a kiss to Alex’s collarbone and simply breathed, allowing herself to be surrounded by Alex’s warmth and scent and love as she had done with Ellie. 

“Shower or bath?” Alex asked softly. Olivia pulled away slowly, leaning into Alex’s touch when her wife cupped her cheek. 

“Shower’s quicker,” Olivia replied, sighing when Alex rested their foreheads together. “Thank you,” she whispered, finally opening her eyes to look into Alex’s clear blue gaze. 

“No thanks necessary my love,” Alex whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Olivia’s slightly trembling lips before pulling away to turn on the shower. 

Olivia wiped at her face again, unbuttoning and shrugging out of her dress shirt, smiling slightly when Alex turned and gave her a very blatant once over. “Wanna join me?” 

Alex bit her lip and shook her head before replying; “Raincheck on that. We have a very impatient two-year-old waiting to cuddle with her Mama.” 

Olivia’s smile softened, thinking back on the way her daughter had comforted her. “I’ll make sure to be quick then.” Alex nodded, walking back over to her and leaning in for another kiss. It was slow and sweet and safe and Olivia sighed as she felt her body relax. 

“Take all the time you need, we’ll be here,” Alex whispered after she had pulled away. Olivia nodded, watching her wife as she slipped back out into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. 

She made quick work of her shower, wanting to be with her girls again as soon as possible. She toweled her hair dry and tugged on the pajamas Alex had left for her before brushing her teeth and making her way back into the bedroom, jumping on the bed and making Ellie giggle.

“Mama!” the tiny brunette exclaimed, and Olivia grinned as she reached out to tickle Ellie’s sides, her smile growing wider at the shrieks and giggles the action elicited. 

“Mama! No!” Ellie shrieked, trying to wiggle away from Olivia and towards Alex who was grinning at her daughter's plight. “Mommy, help me!” 

“What was that Ellie? I can’t understand you if you don’t stop laughing,” Alex replied teasingly and Olivia chuckled, leaning down to blow a raspberry against Ellie’s exposed tummy, eliciting another round of giggles before stopping, grinning down at her daughter’s pink cheeks and sparkling eyes. 

“Feel better Mama?” Ellie asked with a bright smile that made Olivia’s insides turn to mush. She would do anything, absolutely anything, to keep her daughter smiling like that forever. 

“Much better thanks to you and Mommy,” Olivia replied, pressing a kiss to Ellie’s cheek. “Thank you, baby.” She shifted, settling to lay on her side of the bed and smiling when Ellie wiggled over to her and snuggled into her, resting her head on Olivia’s chest. 

“Mama, can I sleep here whit you?” 

Olivia hummed, running her fingers through Ellie’s hair. “I don’t know baby, you gotta ask your Mommy.” She knew that despite her strict bedtime rules, Alex would agree. But she loved to watch Ellie try to get her way with Alex. 

Ellie’s head popped up immediately, turning towards Alex with a warm smile and eyes open wide, the pleading look making Olivia snort softly. Alex was a goner for that look. “Right out the gate, she’s starting strong with the puppy dog pout!” Olivia teased, grinning at Alex who was trying her best to look unfazed by their daughter’s antics but failing miserably.

“You know the rules, Ellie Rose,” Alex replied, watching over her glasses as Ellie crawled over to her and into her lap. The toddler wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck and smiled sweetly, pressing a kiss to Alex’s cheek and Olivia watched with amusement as Alex’s resistance immediately began to crumble. 

“P’ease Mommy?” Ellie asked sweetly, making sure to follow up with another kiss. Alex sighed deeply, playfully, pretending to think about it as she took her glasses off and placed them on the nightstand. 

It only took one more kiss to the cheek and Ellie cuddling into Alex’s neck for her wife to break. “Okay, but just this once.”

“Yay!” Ellie exclaimed, bouncing in Alex’s lap a little bit and looking up at her with the same, sweet little smile. “Tank you, Mommy.” This time, Alex pressed a kiss to her daughter's forehead and then her cheek before nuzzling Ellie’s neck and making her giggle. “You’re welcome munchkin. C’mon then, let’s get comfy.” 

Ellie shifted off of Alex’s lap, crawling back to her spot at Olivia’s side but this time rolling so that she was facing Alex, reaching out with her tiny hand until Alex was close enough for Ellie to tangle her fingers in the collar of Alex’s sleep shirt. Olivia’s heart clenched at the tenderness of the gesture and she looked up to see the same tenderness and love glittering in Alex’s eyes.

Olivia leaned over Ellie carefully to press a kiss to Alex’s lips. “Good night Lex, I love you.”

“G’night Liv, I love you too,” Alex murmured with a happy sigh, cuddling closer to Ellie and pressing a kiss to the top of their daughter’s head. “G’night my little princess.” 

“Night Mommy, love you,” Ellie mumbled, the sleep already overtaking her. Olivia smiled, shifting to get comfortable and pressing a kiss to Ellie’s head as well. “G’night my love,” she whispered. 

“Night Mama, love you.”

Olivia smiled, as she took in the sight of the two most precious people in her life sleeping soundly. And this time, when the tears formed in her eyes, they were happy tears. Because no matter the atrocities she had to face, no matter how horrible the cases were or how dark the world seemed, she had all the light she needed right there in her arms. 

She had her girls, and everything would be alright. 


End file.
